Here we go again time for your weekly dose of dumb, for those of you Danny Ocean wanna bees out there this is the perfect article for you.
You might remember Elle from my last Chronicle as the stupid idiot I found throwing rocks at trains (which is way better than the time I caught her dressed up as Guy Fawkes and throwing rocks at the heads and groins of senior citizens leaving church). Actually, Elle has been arrested 27 times for "Throwing rocks at XYZ" and has gotten off every single time defending herself in court.
When I first met Elle she told me she was a lawyer. I thought "oh thank the powers that be, someone to keep these uncontrollable chaos bred imbeciles inline". Once again I was wrong, from a moral and ethical standpoint she might be the worst of them all.
One night while Elle and I were cat-fishing college boys on hinge to fuel our ever growing egos she told me out of the blue that she only accepts jobs from clients she knows are guilty, and makes them prove that they are guilty before she takes the case. When I asked her why she replied in a deep raspy voice, "Y’know, the thing about a crook, he’s got lifeless eyes, black eyes, like a doll’s eyes. When he comes after ya, he doesn’t seem to be livin..." I stopped listening once I realized the speech from Jaws was all I was going to get and went back to convincing Todd to send me the name of his first pet.
I was not surprised to learn that when she isn't defending guilty criminals she's going out of the way to commit crimes herself. I got a call one morning - while stomping my neighbors flower beds to death - from a very grumpy Judge by the name of Anderson (probably ugly) who said he knew what Elle was doing and he wasn't going to stop until she was behind bars or dead at his stumpy feet (idk why he told me his feet were stumpy but I actually enjoyed the detail)...
I confronted her and she admitted immediately that she had been taking the bar exam for struggling law students in exchange for BTC and a future favor. She had been getting away with it until she started calling in on these 'favors' asking the lawyers to "do whatever it takes to make sure Judge Anderson never sleeps again". So they'd been sending the police to his house in the middle of the night, lighting his basement on fire, swapping his melatonin with adderall and putting sand in his sheets every day. Because - and I quote - "I didn't know what else to use the favors for and Judge Anderson has weird ass feet".
Luckily this issue resolved itself the following day as Judge Anderson was killed by an unknown assailant who threw a rock at his head while he was biking to work (I know a Judge that bikes to work seems strange). The issue never came up again and Elle still does her thing so if you need a lawyer for something you definitely did or want to become a lawyer without doing any work reach out to her on twitter @Elle_at_law.
Until next time!
ICPMN Ambassador, Co-Founder of Motoko School and part of the Cronics Team. Documenting the Cronic Chronicles, 100% true stories about the antics of my Cronic Critters!
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